The last 5 months has brought me a lot of pain and a drastic change of life. I’m typing this from my laptop in bed, because it hurts to stand and it hurts to sit.
Doctor’s are still prodding and poking me to find out what’s going on. i think we’re getting closer, but this journey has sure been long.
What started off as some sort of back pain/stiffness gradually escalated to some sort of debilitating illness that appears to have overtaken my entire pelvis and legs. I can walk, but I limp most of the time. I can’t sit for long periods, nor can I stand for too long – although i can stand for a longer time than i can sit. Walking too much is out of the question. I’m always in pain, but some hours are better than others. I’m taking many pain medications to help me get through the days, and allow me to work.
In December, I started to notice myself slipping into that downward spiral of depression. Some little voice inside me said, “Nuh uh! Not this again. We’re not going there!” I quickly sought some help. I wasn’t interested in therapy. I didn’t want to sit there and talk about how much it hurts. I’m in pain, and that’s just the way it is until we can find out what’s going on. That’s not to say that I haven’t been active at seeking medical help–I have been to about 10 different doctors, including 1 emergency room visit, 3 MRI’s (2 of the lumbar, 1 of the pelvis) and 1 CT-scan (of the pelvis, with disgusting contrast! “here have some ink to drink”). I needed to find a way to accept the pain, instead of resisting it. There’s a quote from Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth, “What you resist persists.” It makes sense. Not accepting an inevitable fate is what causes emotional suffering. The logical choice was to turn to meditation.
Since then I meditate 1-2 times a day, everyday. I skip a day sometimes, but very rarely. I’ve found great resources on pain management through meditation. It’s been incredibly helpful at keeping my spirits high, and not sulk about my pain, nor about the things I could be doing if I were healthy.
Needless to say, this ordeal has severely slowed down my musical endeavors. I play my ukulele and bang on the piano, but not nearly as much as i was before. I AM writing again however, which is very nice. A lot of ideas and melodies come to my head in the middle of the night, which is pretty annoying since I have a hard time sleeping and it tends to come just when I’m about to fall asleep. But hey, i embrace it! I get up diligently, and make notes or record a memo of it on my iPhone.
I read this great newsletter the other day from Om Freely that told a story of writer Sonia Choquette, whom after writing a book did a series of book signings, where no one would attend. (Hah! I know that feeling!) One day, the only member in the “audience” was what appeared to be a homeless man. He smelled funny but sat there in the chair allocated for the audience, and waited to be entertained. Sonia’s accompanist (apparently, there’s a musical segment in her reading), started packing up to leave, to which Sonia exclaimed, “Where are you going? We can’t leave. We have an audience.” The accompanist looked at the homeless man and said, “Who, him?” Sonia says, “Yes, Him! He showed up. We have an audience. We aren’t going anywhere!” And so, they performed the evening as planned to the one homeless guy who will probably never read her book. Four years later, she got a call from The Hay House, a publishing company looking for new writers. She had been recommended to them by the bookstore where this unusual evening took place. They remembered what Sonia did for the homeless man, and gave her name to The Hay House. Now she tours all over the world doing book signings and talks to large audiences.
Isn’t that something?
This story really inspired me. I have definitely gone through an entire show regardless of whether I have an audience of 100 or of 1. It’s definitely a bummer at first, but you get over it and do your craft. I really miss performing, and realized how I have no idea when I’ll be able to take the stage again! Then this idea came marching right in my head, what if I do at home video performances? I can make little mini concerts–3 songs or so, and put it up on you tube. It would be live–no editing, re-recording, just like it would be if you saw me at a gig. I think I can do this, and now that I’m announcing this to the world on the World Wide Web, I HAVE to do it.
Guess what I’m doing this weekend? =)
Excerpts from the newsletter story were from Sonya Derian’s Om Freely newsletter:
Personal and business coach, Sonya Derian publishes her weekly Ezine Monday Morning Memos for people who want to find their “Om” and live their lives out loud. Sign up for her FREE weekly tips and receive your FREE report Om Freely: 30 Ways to Live Out Loud by visiting http://omfreely.com